When I was preggers with my youngest son, I started to experience odd pains. Around my clitorus, vulva and surrounding areas. It continued. After the emergency C-section (I got a ride in an ambulance with light and everything), instead of the home birth we’d planned it continued. Recurrent bladder infections, no sex life….it hurt. Worsening pain. No wearing jeans or sitting for a long time. No soap, no lubricant it all hurt.
Consultants said it was breast feeding (my youngest was 2 or 2.5 ish.), so I stopped. It wasn’t. They tried steroid creams. Didn’t help all that much. They investigated the bladder infections….its the physiology. Have antibiotics, Diagnosed vulvodynia but there’s nothing we can do. It was dark, I felt broken and I sank. I found some info on low dose tri-cyclic antidepressants that could help with nerve pain. My doctor, agreed and after some tweaking it worked.
The pain went. bladder infections were just after sex so antibiotics straight after, must wee within 5 minutes. I was still clinically depressed and opted for antidepressants when every trick in my tool box was failing (I talked to a mental health nurse who said I was using everything they could show me and that the 12 weeks of talking therapy might mean I was just opening up as it ended and at the time I couldn’t afford to fund more). But no pain, no recurrent bladder infections.
I came off antidepressants last year and I haven’t had a bladder infection for over 2 years. Until a week or so ago. For no real reason. There was no infection left. and pain stopped for a few days but today the pain is returning. Just patches of uncomfortableness. No real signs of infection maybe skin soreness…..but that’s oddly worse. I’d recently come off the pill (5 weeks). I got my first period, maybe the didn’t help. I am back on it again but have to wait a while to see if it is that….I hate feeling like this. I hate the low level pain that sometimes spikes. I hate feeling broken. I hate not knowing why. I hate not knowing how to fix it. I am trying my hardest not to hate my body but feel betrayed.
I am making myself art, I am am holding onto everything and anything an anyone that helps. But right now I feel alone with it all, even though that’s not entirely true. I say a lot, it’s OK to not be OK…..but I wish I was OK. I wish I was 5 weeks about, 2 months ago OK.
Yesterday I painted owls. I’m doing 10 minus of mindful watercolour and then bed. For cuddles. I’m trying not to take cocodamol again. Because I hate being dependant, not being in control….
I feel a little broken I hope it’s just to let some light in.
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